BP: Friend or Foe?

I was recently forwarded a petition alerting me to energy giant BP's plan to dump more than 6,500 lbs a day of industrial waste into Lake Michigan. Alarmed, I searched the BP corporate website, and my suspicions were immediately corroborated: this is indeed the work of America's sworn enemy, Great Britain. BP, it turns out, is a thinly veiled acronym for BRITISH PETROLEUM. More quick research confirmed my worst fears; it was the British who were responsible for the Stamp Act of 1765, The Intolerable Acts of 1774, and the British Invasion of the 1960s. The British, it appears, fought directly against America in not one, but TWO major wars; The War of 1812 AND The American Revolution (not to be confused with Chevrolet). In historical context, this latest ploy is clearly nothing other than an insidious plot to undermine our freedom.

Britain is a monarchy, a dark contrast to our bright republic. It is ruled by a mysterious "Queen" to whom all Britons must swear allegiance.Further, Britain has a long history of brutal Imperialism. Ireland, a country cursed with the misfortune of neighboring Britain, has long suffered at the hands of its British oppressors. Prominent British spokesmen Jonathan Swift once suggested that, in order to control the population growth of the Irish, the Irish children be cannibalized. Surely, we should consider ourselves lucky that British have decided only to poison us with ammonia and industrial solids, instead of to eat our children.

They covet our lakes, our democracy, our freedom. I encourage all three of this blog's readers to sign this petition to stave off the British, if only for now.